I may have quit sugar (almost) and changed my diet dramatically, but coffee is another thing. My one morning skinny latte, with a sometimes second in the afternoon or after dinner has jumped to two standard long blacks with a sometimes third.
Which has led me to wonder – am I just substituting one addiction for another?
When I start the trail mix as my afternoon snack, I can’t stop stuffing handfuls of it down my throat, leaving the floor under my desk covered in flakes of coconut that has spilled from my hands in the rush to eat it. If I know I have the jug of smoothie in the fridge, one glass is never enough.
I was never this way with food before!
Have I that much of an addictive personality that I need a hit of something to get me through the day? Or am I really still addicted to something I have cut out and my body is searching for it through mouthfuls of everything else?
At this rate, my skin fold test is going to have some very alarming results!
Today I have only had my one morning long black which I sipped while chomping down some poached eggs, bacon and avocado.
Then I had back to back meetings from 12:30 – which was actually a blessing in disguise as otherwise I would have gone for a walk to get another one.
The trail mix was still thrown down my throat like it was my last meal before being executed.
When the startling realization of my eating habits and new found coffee addiction surfaced, I was a little angry with myself.
As If to prove a point I emptied my filing cabinet (which serves as my work pantry) of my previous unclean snacks. Carmen’s muesli bars, three different types. A bag of banana chips, covered in sugar. A dusty strawberries and cream chupa-chup, another full box of ‘go natural’ muesli bars with a variety of four different types including gluten free, some with dark chocolate, some with nuts, some with fruit – all with sugar.
I loaded everything into a donating box and walked around the rest of my team offering them supplies.
Many were too scared to accept – those who sit near me and have heard my rants around no sugar especially. Some took one of each and packed them away for later with a smile of thanks.
I left the box on a team members table – the furthest one from me – and felt moderately proud of myself. Walking back to my desk I took a look over my shoulder and noticed the vultures come out of the woodwork the moment my back was turned and swoop down on the goods.
Good. Then I could be less tempted.
I say less tempted because in truth, not all unclean items from my ‘pantry’ were donated.
I’m a ‘just in case’ type of person. I always have a pen and notebook in my handbag ‘just in case’. I always carry around some form of food in my bag, muesli bar or apple or nuts ‘just in case’. My home pantry has four tines of canned tomatoes and six of coconut milk ‘just in case’.
I like to have a backup, I hate being left unprepared.
So I kept one of each type of muesli bar in my filing cabinet – two of the gluten free dark chocolate – ‘just in case’.
It’s not the right attitude, I know that. I should have donated them all.
But there is something still in the back of my mind that is not quite convinced I will follow this entire clean eating program after the challenge.
Why?! I hear you ask.
For one, I love corn too much. And rice. And pasta. And potatoes. And yoghurt.
I know I will introduce some good quality full fat natural dairy back into my diet. The other things, maybe they are what a primary school teacher would classify as a ‘sometimes food’. I’m not sure yet.
And then of course there is the alcohol.….
Breakfasts are changed forever. The muesli that would keep me high on sugar for an hour tricking me into thinking I was full before the 10am muesli bar or piece of fruit that did the same, will not be an everyday item.
My meats and eggs will always be clean. My oil selection has been expanded to coconut. I don’t own margarine.
I’ll probably have some red wine jus every now and then. Pasta is a nice to have, there are many other options for rice, and sometimes as I demonstrated last night with my beef, bacon and tomatoes on roasted eggplant creation – you just don’t need a carb or grain to get you through a meal.
So on day 11, I’m pretty sure I’m a changed woman!
One who is eating well, but addicted to caffeine and an absurd bout of trail mix….